Thoughts of the Day

I haven't been posting as much lately...part of that is due to the fact that it's very hard to get access to the one computer at the day hospital lately. And part of it is also due to me being sick and tired of sitting in front of the computer. I mean, one of my big reasons for hating the corporate world was being plonked in front of the computer for most of the day. Anywho, hope that hasn't made the blog less interesting-- maybe it's even for the better, without so many postings from me per day to wade through.

This week I've been back on the inpatient wards for the afternoons (last week I was stuck at the day hospital, working on my appraisal, which did not by any means take up all my afternoons, leaving me bored as usual). By the way--only 3 DAYS LEFT on this rotation-- and really not even that. Tomorrow is pay day, which means I go out for a nice lunch with the basic grades and we spend all afternoon together for our monthly meeting. And Thursday, Ann and Annette are taking me out for a nice long lunch. So really, only two mornings and Friday are left. But as I was saying, today I was on one of the inpatient wards, speaking to an older woman who seemed like she really couldn't have cared less. She was fully functionally independent, and safe in that regard to return home. The only reason she was somewhat ok with dealing with me was because she'd been told as soon as the OT assessed her, they'd send her home. As it turned out, they then decided that she needs a psych assessment to do with issues of depression, so she did not in fact get to go home this evening. Anyway, throughout my entire session with her, she behaved as if she were totally bored, and just wanted to get it over with...except when I started to thank her for her time and get up and leave to write my report. Then she grabbed my hand, and wanted to know about my accent. I told her I was American, and she didn't believe me, telling me I didn't sound American. But then she decided that since I'm American, I must have men falling all over me. And so, with a twinkle in her eye, she asked me, "You must be courting a lot, eh?" and winked at me. At first I stood there stunned, at the huge switch in her behavior and attitude towards me, and then I started to laugh. In a couple of seconds, my brain processed the word courting which I don't believe I've ever heard anyone use before except for in Jane Austen movies...and thought of its connotations or, if you prefer, its association with long term, as in, end result of life partner. When I'd finished laughing, I answered her in the negative, thanked her again, and began to walk away again when she called out "Don't worry, they will!" And I thought to myself, no, they won't. Because the truth is, I've never been courted. I've been pursued, most definitely, still am, and thus probably I should have told her yes, because she probably meant courting in a more modern sense. But I've never been with anyone who has looked at me with an eye to the long term. In a metaphorical sense, for me the game has always ended once the cat has caught the mouse, because the cat then realizes it doesn't know what to do with the mouse. The chase was the fun part. Theoretically "long term" is a nice, warm, fuzzy idea, and I am over the moon for my friends who have found their life partners. Realistically, it's pretty scary, because it seems near impossible you'd ever find someone to stay with you through thick and thin. I'd rather rely on myself. And maybe, just maybe, that means for once, I'm no longer wearing my heart on my sleeve. I've wished I could be that way for so long, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing, but it's a change of pace for awhile.

And no, I'm not disregarding my rule from way back when I started this blog to not discuss my dating life on this semi-public forum. As the above are just my current thoughts and theories (which most of you know are likely to change at any given moment), and nothing to do specifically with any one person I'm dating, I don't think I've really given anything away, have I? As always, specifics are only through personal emails. ;)